Alive
by pl2363
Summary: Ratchet x Wheeljack. 'Regardless' & 'Forgive' are heavily referenced, AU setting. Ratchet and Wheeljack have been trying to get sparked, but start to lose hope with each failed attempt. Will their love be enough to sustain them?
1. Rolling Blackouts

Title: Alive – Rolling Blackouts

Author: pl2363

Series: Transformers AU/G1

Rating: T+

Notes: Ratchet x Wheeljack. 'Regardless' & 'Forgive' are heavily referenced, please read those fics before reading this one. This is now in a totally AU setting. Ratchet and Wheeljack have been trying to get sparked, but start to lose hope with each failed attempt. Will their love be enough to sustain them?

Thanks to Mirage Shinkiro for the beta. Title taken from "Help, I'm Alive" by Metric:

"_Hard to be soft,  
Tough to be tender.  
Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train,  
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer."_

Also... Transformers belong to Hasbro, I am just playing with them.

* * *

"Anything?" Wheeljack asked.

The hope in his mate's voice was enough to break Ratchet's spark as he stared at the scanner that showed no sign of a sparklet. "No."

Wheeljack sadly frowned as his shoulders hunched forward. "Hm, let me scan you." Wheeljack took the scanner from Ratchet and held it up. Ratchet opened his chest plates and exposed his spark. Wheeljack pursed his exposed lips as he scanned. He never kept his blast mask engaged when they were alone together in their quarters. "Hm…I don't see anything, either."

Wheeljack's disappointment played across his face as he lowered the scanner. It had been just over one Earth year since Megatron died and their species started to piece their broken world back together. With the war over, Ratchet had stopped holding back during spark merges, hoping one of them would finally get sparked. They had tried hundreds of times now, dropping every firewall and putting every ounce of energy from their sparks into the merges. Still, nothing. Nothing at all. Ratchet knew after so many attempts and no success that their sparks might truly be incompatible when it came to creating a sparkling of their own.

"We'll try again, Ratch." Wheeljack's gloomy expression faded a little, as he seemed to force a smile. Always trying to be the optimist.

Ratchet couldn't shake off his own feelings so easily, though. "Yeah." He felt like a failure, despite knowing that logically it really wasn't his fault. He just wanted Wheeljack to have the chance to be a parent since he knew that was something his mate wanted more than anything. Wheeljack had been from a close-knit family with siblings and several relatives that lived all within the same area of a small city outside Iacon. They had all died in an attack just after Wheeljack was stationed at the main base, making him the sole survivor of his once thriving family. To have a sparkling together was something they had discussed early on, even before bonding. Wheeljack had told Ratchet upfront that having a sparkling was his deepest wish in order to carry on his family's lineage as well as traditions. It was something very important to Wheeljack, therefore important to Ratchet, too. Ratchet hated feeling frustrated by his inability to fix this particular problem.

"We should get going. I have to finish packing up what I want to take from the lab." Wheeljack slid off the berth and offered his hand to Ratchet.

Taking his mate's hand, Ratchet also pushed to stand. "I hope Perceptor will be able to handle things while we are gone."

"He's a smart mech. I'm sure he'll do fine."

Ratchet half smiled at Wheeljack. He was optimistic about so many things. Always searching for the good in every situation. Overwhelmed with the love he felt for Wheeljack, Ratchet grabbed his arm and pulled him into an embrace. Wheeljack relaxed and hugged him back.

"I love you, you know," Ratchet said as he squeezed Wheeljack.

"I know. I love you, too, Ratch."

After a moment, Ratchet reluctantly let go.

"All righty, there's only one Earth day until our trip, and I have a lot left I need to do." Wheeljack stared off to the side, as he seemed to contemplate a long 'to do' list in his mind.

"I'll see you after our shifts, then," Ratchet said as he patted Wheeljack's arm. "We can finish packing then."

Glancing back up, Wheeljack nodded. "See ya then."

…

The following day, Ratchet pushed a transport cart down the hallways of the _Ark_ toward the entrance. It had medical supplies, tools, and personal items for the ten-orn-long trip he and Wheeljack were scheduled to take to Cybertron. Over the last stellar cycle, various groups of Cybertronians had made their way to the new capitol building Starscream had built. Ultra Magnus and his crew, the femmes, and many others that had been in hiding all over their once war-torn planet were now residents of New Vos.

A new city with a thriving population meant they also needed trained medics. There were several young medics living there, but they lacked skills for tending to a peacetime population. They were used to patching up wounds or dealing with energon starvation, not regular check-ups, maintenance procedures for internal systems, or a million other situations that revolved around caring for the residents. Ratchet had pre-war knowledge and experience, and he had been asked by Starscream himself to come to Cybertron to impart some of his more extensive knowledge on the next generation of caregivers.

Arriving at the entrance of the _Ark,_ he spied Wheeljack ready and waiting with his own transport cart stacked high with containers.

"This is exciting!" Wheeljack said as his head fins flashed brightly.

Ratchet smiled at his mate, enjoying the enthusiasm that was bubbling over their bond. Wheeljack's mission for their trip involved building an improved electrical grid to power not only the capitol building but also the homes and merchant center that were situated nearby. A project that immediately piqued his interest since it would test his creativity while allowing him to help improve life for the Cybertronians living there, which happened to also include Thundercracker, Skywarp and Lightningbolt. He had been talking about it non-stop for days and already worked up a few plans to try out.

Jazz came running over to help them push their carts towards the spacebridge entrance set up near the _Ark_.

"Headin' out now, huh?" Jazz asked in a cheerful tone.

"Yep!" Wheeljack replied.

Jazz grinned as he started to help push Wheeljack's cart. "Whoa, man! What'cha got on here! It weighs a ton!"

"Oh, you know, odds and ends from my lab," Wheeljack said with a small laugh.

Jazz laughed, too, shaking his head at Wheeljack.

As they approached the area, Prime and Prowl turned from the control terminal to each offer friendly greetings.

"You two look like you're packed and ready. I hope it'll be smooth trip for both of you," Prime said in a cheerful tone.

Prowl stared at a datapad in his grip. "According to the filed reports, the residents seem to be flourishing under Starscream's direction. He has a council set up for making policy decisions that consist of Ultra—"

"I read the reports, Prowl. No need to recite them to me," Ratchet interrupted.

"My apologies. I suppose I am excited on your behalf," Prowl said as his doorwings twitched behind him.

"Excited, huh? This is a working trip. If you want to go train a bunch of field medics to be general practitioners, be my guest," Ratchet replied wryly.

Prowl's stoic expression lifted as he faintly smiled. "I'll leave that job to the CMO, and the explosions to the engineer."

"What?" Wheeljack said as his headfins flashed bright yellow.

Jazz burst out laughing, and Ratchet chuckled.

Prime laid his large hand on Wheeljack's shoulder. "He's joking with you, Wheeljack."

Wheeljack's optics dimmed as he rubbed the back of his helm. "Right! I knew that."

"Joking aside, you two be safe. If anything comes up be sure to let us know right away." Prime let his gaze shift between them.

"Yes, sir," they replied at the same time.

In what seemed like no time at all, they were ready to go, standing with their carts of belongings inside the spacebridge transport area. Prime, Prowl, and Jazz all waved goodbye to them from the terminal.

"Say 'hey' to Bolt from Miles, 'kay?" Jazz shouted.

"We will!" Wheeljack yelled back.

The whir of the spacebridge started up, and the scenery around them shifted. It looked like a static filled monitor for a few astroseconds, and then, just like that, they were standing inside what looked like enclosed cargo hold. The door on the far end opened and two Decepticons quickly walked in, each picking a transport cart to push.

Ratchet and Wheeljack exchanged looks, then followed their helpers out the open doorway.

"Welcome and thanks for agreeing to come." Starscream stood on the other side of the doorway with his hands on his hips in an authoritative stance.

Ratchet nodded to Cybertron's leader, still finding it very strange to see Starscream being so friendly even after all this time.

'Is it me, or is totally bizarre to see Prime one second and Starscream the next?' Wheeljack asked over the bond.

'It's jarring, to say the least,' Ratchet replied.

"Shared quarters have been set up for you, and I'll have your transport carts delivered the appropriate locations," Starscream said as he walked over and fingered the edge of one of the carts. "Shall I show you around?" He asked as he glanced back in their direction.

"Ah, sure," Ratchet replied.

Ratchet felt like he had entered an alternate universe as he followed Starscream through the new capitol building. Starscream gave them an extensive tour, showing them the main hall where everyone drank energon and socialized, the huge medbay Ratchet would be temporarily in charge of, the cargo hangars where most of the construction projects were organized, and the observation area that had a magnificent view of the budding merchant district below. The final stop on their tour was at the barracks where Starscream showed them to their quarters.

"Here we are. I asked to have it properly furnished." Starscream gestured for one of them to palm the door open. "I also already had them program the pad to match your energy signatures."

Wheeljack placed his hand on the entry pad, and the door whooshed open.

It was a multi-room cabin, complete with a personal energon dispenser in the corner of the main living area. A beautiful replica golden age couch and table were neatly placed in the center of the room, and a large window along one wall looked out over the residential area of New Vos. The space was spectacular.

'Ratch…this is incredible.'

Ratchet let his own amazement flicker back over the bond as he glanced around, unsure if he had undergone some processor damage from the spacebridge trip or not.

"I take it from the looks on your faces, you expected something more like the cramped space of your base," Starscream said, clearly amused by their reactions.

Ratchet looked over at Starscream. "I guess I was."

"Well, I did make sure you had one of the nicest rooms available. But don't be fooled by the current appearance. We are plagued with unexpected blackouts, and thanks to the influx of new residents I've recently had to limit energon rations." Starscream walked over to the entry door and picked up a small square item off a small inset shelf. "In case there is a blackout, all doors can be opened with a magnetic key like this one. If you have any questions, just let me know, but I think for now, I'll let you settle in. Feel free to wander around for the remainder of the cycle, and tomorrow I will meet with each of you." With that Starscream walked through the doorway then paused to look back at them. "Welcome to New Vos."

"Thanks," Wheeljack replied.

Ratchet forced a small smile in reply just before Starscream turned to leave and the door slid closed.

"Did we get transported to Cybertron? This all seems _too _amazing, Ratch." Wheeljack wandered toward the window.

Ratchet joined his mate, wrapping an arm around his waist. "It is pretty unbelievable to see, isn't it? The pictures on file didn't really show how much progress they've made." Gazing out over the nestled homes below, he felt his disbelief dissolve into hope. Cybertron was being reborn. Their once destroyed and repressed world was coming back to life, and they were lucky enough to witness it.

"I wonder which house is Thundercracker's?" Ratchet asked as he started to carefully examine each of the small homes below.

"I'll find out tomorrow, I bet. In the meantime…" Wheeljack turned to press himself into Ratchet's side. "Wanna check out the berth?"

"I might be persuaded to do that." Ratchet lightly tapped the blast mask in an unspoken request. Wheeljack immediately retracted it, revealing a huge grin. Leaning down, Ratchet stole a quick kiss from his mate's soft lips.

Wheeljack gazed back at Ratchet, adoration written all over his face. "Now, let's see if we have any better luck sparking on Cybertron."

Ratchet internally winced. They had been trying so hard, and it was starting to turn into a sore subject for him. He didn't want to let on how frustrated and sad each failed attempt had been leaving him, though, so he forced a smile to lips and put his own discomfort aside for his mate's sake. He then nodded to Wheeljack. "Lead the way."

…

A buzzing sound roused Wheeljack from his recharge. He groaned as he dimly lit his optics to find the room was pitch black. The buzz sounded again, and he realized it was his comm. link.

:: Wheeljack here. ::

:: The electrical generator has failed. Please report to lowest level to assist with repairs, as per Starscream's orders. :: Soundwave informed him.

:: Be right there. ::

Wheeljack sat up in the berth and groped for his interface cover, snapping it back in place. He glanced to his side, seeing by the dim light from his optics that Ratchet was still deeply recharging. For a brief moment, he wondered if they had managed to spark this time. So many tries and no results had started to put a strain on their relationship. Although Ratchet would act as if things were fine, Wheeljack still felt the vague flickers of his mate's frustration and disappointment pass over their bond. That was part of why Wheeljack tried to appear so incredibly optimistic. He felt the need to counter balance Ratchet's heavier, often self-battering emotions. Ratchet was a top-notch medic and loving bondmate, but he also carried a lot on his shoulders, never wanting to burden anyone with his problems, which often worried Wheeljack. Internalizing intense emotions like that usually lead to problems down the line, at least in his experience.

Softly sighing air from his intakes, Wheeljack forced himself out of his thoughts, deciding he should probably respond to the orders he had been issued.

He slid off the berth as quietly as possible and felt his way to the doorway. The main living area wasn't shrouded in complete darkness, thanks to the light reflecting from Cybertron's moons through the window, allowing him to easily cross the space. At the main doorway, he picked up the magnetic key and pushed into a matching slot on the door, which caused it to unlatch with a soft hiss. "Glad it worked," Wheeljack said to himself, as he reinitiated his blast mask. He carefully set the key back on its little shelf and stepped out into the hallway, glancing around. The area was partly lit with emergency lights. He then turned his attention to the open door. "Huh. I wonder if I just pull it back closed?"

"Yep!" came a friendly reply.

Wheeljack looked over to see the large outline of a flier walking his way. "Skyfire?"

"At your service," Skyfire replied as he approached. "Let me get that." Skyfire grabbed hold of the door with one of the large mounted handles and pushed it closed.

It had been a while since Wheeljack had seen Skyfire. The _Ark_ crew had been somewhat shocked when he announced that he was moving to Cybertron to be with Starscream, but like all the new changes that taken place, everyone seemed to quickly adapt. "It's been, what, six orns since you were on Earth?" Wheeljack asked.

"Yeah, not since I went to help Percy with his energon distiller." Skyfire motioned with one hand. "Follow me. I'll take you down to the generator area. Starscream figured you wouldn't know where to go, so I said I'd come get you."

Wheeljack smiled behind his mask, glad to see Skyfire seemed to be in his usual good spirits. They briefly chatted as they made their way down. Wheeljack expressed his amazement at the changes and the new city. Skyfire seemed to beam with pride as he talked about how well Starscream had done with integrating everyone.

Crashes and clangs echoed down the corridor ahead of where they were walking.

"We must be close, huh?" Wheeljack asked.

"The generator is up ahead." Skyfire led Wheeljack through an open doorway.

On the other side was a huge generator, larger than Omega Supreme. Wheeljack stared at it with wide optics. Steam and smoke were pouring out of the top, and small green and purple mechs were crawling all over it, yelling at each other.

"Good thing you're here. This is the fifth time this fragging thing has gone out in the last orn!" Starscream shouted over the clanging and yelling of the Contructicons. "Maybe you can figure out what they're doing wrong."

Wheeljack let his headfins flicker a pink hue. "I'll see if I can help."

Walking over, he waved to the nearest pair of Contructicons arguing, but they didn't bother acknowledging him.

"The router for the main grid is being overloaded when the power surges at the start of the cycle! We have to add more storage energy cells!" Hook yelled.

"That's not it at all! The router isn't being overloaded; it's the grid itself! It can't sustain so many users all at once!" Scrapper yelled back.

"Don't you think with so many residents it might just be easier to build another generator?" Wheeljack asked.

Hook and Scrapper turned their attention to Wheeljack.

"That's not a bad idea. After all, we have enough space in the rear cargo area to put in another one," Scrapper said as he glanced at Hook.

"Fixed it!" echoed a call from above. The generator started up and emitted a hum as it returned to normal, pumping out power. The emergency lighting went out and the regular lighting flickered back on.

"I think building another generator is an excellent idea. What's your name, Autobot?" Hook asked.

"Wheelja—"

"_Starscream!_" Skyfire's urgent call echoed in the cargo area, interrupting their conversation.

Wheeljack glanced over to see Starscream collapsed in a heap on the floor, and Skyfire bent over him. Without a second thought, Wheeljack ran over and knelt down beside the downed commander. He quickly made a visual survey of Starscream's frame, but he didn't see any external reason or injury that would explain why he had passed out. "What happened?"

"I don't know, he started to say something about feeling ill and then he just collapsed." Skyfire's panic was written across his face as he looked to Wheeljack for an answer.

"Let's get him to the medbay and comm. Ratch."

…

After a fairly thorough exam, Ratchet couldn't find anything that would cause Starscream to offline so suddenly, or why he was still unconscious. Ratchet assured Skyfire that Starscream's systems were fine and that they should just wait for him to come back online to ask him about how he was feeling just before he passed out. No amount of reassurances seemed to be enough, though, and Skyfire hovered by Starscream's berth, looking extremely worried.

"Hey, Skyfire. How about we grab some energon? I know I could use some. How about it?" Wheeljack asked, clearly attempting to distract Skyfire from fretting over Starscream.

"Oh. Ah, I don't know." Skyfire's gaze was pinned on Starscream's unconscious form.

Wheeljack exchanged looks with Ratchet. 'And I thought we were bad about this kind of thing.'

Ratchet cracked a small smile at his mate then looked over at Skyfire. "Since we all had our recharges cut short, getting some energon in us would be a good thing. Why not grab some rations and come right back?"

Skyfire looked up, his gaze darting between Ratchet and Wheeljack. "You two are about as subtle as a Blaster is quiet."

Ratchet laughed a little, knowing they were being quite blatant in their attempt to comfort their friend.

Wheeljack remained undeterred, though. "Thing is, standing around worrying is only gonna get you all wound up. Ratch will stay here and look after him," Wheeljack replied, his headfins flashing a bluish tone. "Besides, I don't remember where the dispensers are, so why not show me?"

Skyfire's worried look softened as he smiled. "All right, you win."

Once Skyfire and Wheeljack left medbay, Ratchet decided to start unpacking a few containers from his transport cart. As he pulled one off, he noticed it was covered in smudges of oil. _That's odd, all my other containers are clean_, he thought. He placed the dirty one on a nearby bench and started to pull off the lid when he heard Starscream stirring behind him.

"Frag..." Starscream groaned.

Ratchet glanced at Starscream. "Do you make it a habit of passing out? Or is this something you reserve for when I'm around?" he asked as he walked over to Starscream's berth, abandoning the curious container.

Starscream's crimson optics shifted their focus to Ratchet as he frowned. "I feel like slag. What the frag is wrong with me?"

"I ran a systems diagnostic, but nothing came up."

"Hmph. So you _aren't_ the premiere medic everyone claims?" Starscream asked as he raised an optic ridge at Ratchet.

Crossing his arms over his chest Ratchet shook his head and half smiled. "I'm not going to waste my time scanning every micrometer of your frame to find a cause. It's a lot easier to simply have you _tell me_ your symptoms."

Starscream wrapped his arms over his torso. "I feel like Devastator sat on me."

Ratchet chuckled a little. "Nice visual, but how about being a little more specific? How did you feel right before you collapsed?"

"I felt weak. It was taking considerable effort to remain standing up." Starscream furrowed his brow. "And at the moment, I feel like I could recharge for a whole orn_."_ Starscream glanced at Ratchet. "Why am I so fragging exhausted?"

Ratchet knew exhaustion could be caused by internal systems malfunctioning, but the diagnostic he ran had come up clean. That left only one other possibility. "Have you been fueling a lot lately?"

"We are on reduced rations. I have the same as everyone else. _Although_, before I had to cut the amount, I was having about three servings, instead of just two." Starscream frowned. "Do you know what's wrong with me or not?"

Pulling out the scanner he and Wheeljack used from his subspace pocket, Ratchet glanced at Starscream's cockpit. His own spark felt like it was sinking in its chamber at mere notion of what he was pretty sure Starscream's 'illness' was. "Open up your spark chamber."

"What?" Starscream gave Ratchet an incredulous look. "Why?"

"I need to scan your spark."

Starscream seemed stunned by the request but relented, making sure to give Ratchet a dirty look as he cracked open his chest. Holding up the scanner over his patent's exposed spark, Ratchet watched the screen carefully, and sure enough a very healthy-looking little sparklet sped across the magnified screen. "You've already moved into phase two, that's why you're so tired."

"Phase two of what?" Starscream asked in a dubious tone.

"Of carrying." Ratchet hit the replay for the scan he took and handed the instrument to Starscream.

A look of shock spread across Starscream's face as he stared at the replayed image. "I'm…_sparked?_"

Ratchet felt his own spark twist painfully in its chamber at those words. Jealousy, anger and hurt wound together inside him. This was so unfair. Why did Starscream get to be sparked? Why couldn't it be him or Wheeljack? What were they doing wrong? They loved each other so much, so why couldn't they be the ones to have a sparkling? _Why?_ A thread of concern flared within his spark, and he realized Wheeljack could feel how upset he was. Ratchet immediately tamped down his emotions, trying to regain control of himself. Now wasn't the time to lose it.

"How the frag did I make it to phase two without knowing? Shouldn't I have been nauseated by the first phase?" Starscream asked, still staring at the scan.

"Perceptor's distiller for the energon took a lot of impurities out of our fuel supplies, so that might be part of why you never felt sick. Plus, every once in a while carriers don't develop that symptom, especially if their bodies are in good shape and well-maintained."

The door for medbay hissed open. Wheeljack and Skyfire walked through with energon rations in their hands.

Skyfire immediately noticed Starscream was awake and quickly made his way over to the side of his mate's berth. "Starscream, you okay?"

"Look." Starscream held up the scanner, showing Skyfire the image of the sparklet.

"Primus, _you're sparked?_" Skyfire stared with bright optics at the looping image.

A sensation of envy and sadness flickered across the bond, and Ratchet looked over to see Wheeljack standing perfectly still, staring at the scanner in Starscream's hand. Even with the blast mask in place, Ratchet could see sadness sweep across his face. _This is so unfair. Primus, why can't we have one? Why?_

"Here, you'll certainly need this." Skyfire said as he handed an energon ration to Starscream.

"All I really want is to curl up on our berth and pass out for an orn or two," Starscream replied with a small frown.

Ratchet forced himself into his role as the medic, batting away his emotions as best as he could. "I have a standard set of guidelines I usually to go over about carrying, but we can do that tomorrow. If you are feeling extremely exhausted, I recommend getting all the rest you can for the beginning of this phase."

Starscream nodded in agreement, then smiled. "I'm especially pleased with the timing of your trip now. Who better to take care of me than the medic that looked after Thundercracker when he was sparked?"

Ratchet forced a smile. "Yeah, who better..."

…

Feeling like his frame weighed twice as much as normal, Ratchet slowly made the trek down the corridor toward the barracks. It had been a long cycle of interviewing the medics, seeing what skill sets they had, and then pulling together a detailed a list of what he was going to need to teach them. He had managed to force all thoughts regarding sparklings out of his mind while dealing with the medics, but now that he was no longer preoccupied it seemed to be all he could think about. He had so badly wanted to grab hold of Wheeljack in medbay earlier and find comfort by sharing their mirrored painful feelings. It hadn't been the time or place for that, though.

Ratchet frowned as he realized he felt oddly guilty about his jealousy towards Starscream. He should be happy that another sparkling would be among them. Shouldn't he?

He finally reached the door for their shared temporary quarters and palmed it open, finding Wheeljack inside sitting on the couch with a datapad in his lap. He looked to be deep in thought as he stared intently at the screen. Ratchet wandered over and plopped down beside his mate, draping an arm over his shoulders and planting a kiss on Wheeljack's cheek. "Hey," Ratchet said quietly.

"Hey. How was your day? The medics give you any trouble?" Wheeljack asked as he glanced up from his datapad.

"Nothing I couldn't handle. What about you? A whole day with the Constructicons must have been _interesting_."

Wheeljack chuckled. "Heh, you could say that. They have fascinating ideas when it comes to electrical engineering. I think if I tweak some of the plans, the second generator should give them plenty of power for the city and not use up any more energon to power it, either."

Ratchet smiled at Wheeljack. One of his favorite things about his mate had been how passionate he was about everything he took part in. A passion Ratchet had felt fading within in himself as the war took over their lives. Meeting Wheeljack had changed how he saw the world around them, and taught him to fight for what he wanted. _If only there was a way to fight for the sparkling we so desperately want…_

"Ratch?"

Ratchet realized he had been lost in his thoughts for a little too long and felt a touch of concern pulsing from Wheeljack. "Yeah?"

Wheeljack leaned forward and slid his datapad onto the table beside the couch, then shifted his seated position to face Ratchet. "You all right?"

"I'm fine." Ratchet forced a small smile to his lips.

Wheeljack furrowed his brow. "It's clear you're not, and truth is, neither am I."

"What are you talk—"

"Ratch, why do that? Lie to me?" Wheeljack sadly frowned as he took hold of one of Ratchet's hands.

Ratchet allowed his false smile to fall away as he squeezed Wheeljack's hand. "I just don't want to hurt you."

Wheeljack vaguely shook his head. "I think we need to stop trying to create a sparkling for a while. I don't like the pressure it's putting on our relationship. You never hid stuff from me before, and I hate feeling like I'm shut out."

"Jack, I don't mean to make you feel like that."

"I know you don't." Wheeljack's shoulders slumped as he gazed at Ratchet, worry written across his face. "But admit it, things have been getting worse between us, and I can feel your stress rising whenever I mention sparklings. I think it would do us a world of good to focus on _each other_ for a while."

"But you've wanted a sparkling for a long time. You're just going to give up like that?" Ratchet felt like he had failed his mate by not being able to give him something he wanted. Guilt and sadness gripped his spark tightly.

"Not give up. Take a break. And I _do_ want a sparkling, but not if it's gonna cost me _you_." Wheeljack leaned closer, his optics brightening. "Ratch, I feel like you're pulling away from me, or maybe I'm driving you away. I can't tell. Either way, I want you back."

Ratchet grabbed hold of Wheeljack and hugged him close. "I'm sorry. I just –" He knew Wheeljack was right, even though he didn't want to admit it. Their relationship had been strained, and pretending that everything was fine had become an exhausting façade to keep up. "You deserve one, Jack. I want a family with you. But I know you're right. Pushing so hard is…_hurting _'us'."

Wheeljack twisted in Ratchet's hold to place a kiss to his neck. "Let's stop hurting 'us' then, okay?"

"Okay," Ratchet replied in a whispered voice.

Wheeljack pushed his weight forward, forcing Ratchet to fall backwards on the couch. Ratchet loosened his hold, and Wheeljack scooted up to lay across his chest.

They lay quietly together, and Ratchet lightly trailed his fingers over Wheeljack's slightly smaller form. His mind wandered to the past, as he remembered a time when being this close to anyone frightened him more than death itself. Even now, when Wheeljack saw through him so easily, it made him uncomfortable. He trusted his mate, though, knowing that they had weathered through a lot together, and this was just another storm of sorts.

Ratchet realized that Wheeljack had grown still, and he glanced down to see he had fallen into a recharge right where he lay. "Guess you had a long day, too," he whispered.

_You're my world, Jackie. Even though we'll take a break, I still won't give up on this. I'll figure something out. Someday we'll have the family we want… Someday… _

…

_AN- This story is finished. I will post the next two chapters over the coming weeks. Thank you for taking the time to read this story. I am happy that sharing my stories are enjoyable to you lovely readers!_


	2. Remembering Why

Title: Alive – Remember Why

Author: pl2363

Series: Transformers AU/G1

Rating: M (foreplay/interfacing)

Notes: Ratchet x Wheeljack. 'Regardless' & 'Forgive' are heavily referenced, please read those fics before reading this one. This is now in a totally AU setting. Ratchet and Wheeljack have been trying to get sparked, but start to lose hope with each failed attempt. Will their love be enough to sustain them?

Thanks to Mirage Shinkiro for the beta. Title taken from "Help, I'm Alive" by Metric.

"_If you're still alive,  
My regrets are few.  
If my life is mine,  
What shouldn't I do?"_

Orn: 3 Earth weeks, Solar cycle: one Earth day

Also... Transformers belong to Hasbro, I am just playing with them.

* * *

_Every inch of Wheeljack's frame ached. The sounds of monitors beeping and murmured voices in the distance were the first things he registered as he floated toward consciousness. He dimly lit his optics, immediately recognizing the dingy grey base ceiling and curtain drawn around the berth he lay in as telltale signs that he had landed himself in medbay. But how? The memory files from a few breems earlier came tumbling forward as he recalled the request for him to build some mini-bombs and how he had tripped over a fallen piece of scrap metal in his lab, dropping the small test device and apparently setting it off in the process. Frustrated at his clumsiness, Wheeljack let out a groan._

_The curtain that blocked his view of the rest of medbay parted to reveal the CMO, Ratchet. "You shouldn't be up yet." Ratchet's voice was cold and flat sounding as he moved the side of the berth. _

"_Am I gonna live?" Wheeljack asked, half-joking._

_Ratchet glanced at him, his optics showing no emotion. Wheeljack didn't know the head medic all that well, and they had hardly interacted at all outside of medbay. Ratchet had always been gruff and aloof the few times Wheeljack had to talk to him. He then remembered how Ironhide had recently mentioned his concerns for the young CMO and his increasingly distant behavior: _

"That kid's gonna run 'imself into the ground. Medics aren't really cut out fer seeing so much death. I sure hope he finds somethin' to hold onto. Otherwise…well, let's just say I've known more than a few medics that have resorted to endin' it all."

"_I need to repair your face mask and take care of some of the deeper dents, but your injuries aren't too bad, all things considered." Ratchet picked up a tool off the side table._

"_My face mask?" Wheeljack's hands shot up to his face, confirming the missing section of his helm. A strange sense of panic melded with his embarrassment as he proceeded to cover his mouth and lower face before glancing back at Ratchet. _

_The medic looked confused by his reaction. "What's the matter? You don't have scars you're hiding or anything," Ratchet said as he furrowed his brow._

_Wheeljack's family had been very close and rather extensive. Almost twenty of them had all been living in the same small town outside Iacon. They carried down various traditions from generation to generation, this included his old fashioned-looking helm and the facemask that was supposed to be engaged at all times, except in the presence of family. "Heh, this might sound stupid, but, ah, it's kinda a thing with my family. We aren't supposed to show our faces." _

_Ratchet's optics briefly brightened. "Well, I have to repair it. Or else_ everyone _will see your face, right?"_

_Wheeljack winced behind his hands. "Yeah, I guess so."_

_A long silence followed as Wheeljack tried to let go of the feelings of shame associated with exposing himself to Ratchet. Maybe it was silly to still want to uphold the tradition, especially since his whole family had been killed shortly after he joined the Autobots. His loving parents, his two brothers, and his cousins he'd play with were all gone. Nothing more than shadows in his memory files now. Primus, just thinking about them made his spark twist painfully in its chamber. Would it ever stop hurting to remember them?_

_A light touch to the back of his hands caught his attention. He looked up at Ratchet and for the first time saw something other than a cold, austere expression on his face. A touch of warmth mixed with sadness, softening Ratchet's features. "You all right?"_

_Sighing air from his intakes in a huff, Wheeljack faintly shook his head as he felt coolant pooling in his optics. "No."_

_Ratchet set his tool back down, grabbed a nearby stool, pulled it over and sat down. "Talk to me, then. What can I do?" Ratchet pursed his lips, as he seemed to consider options. "You know, I might be able to repair under a cloth with my fingers alone, if you want me to try that."_

_Wheeljack stared at Ratchet in disbelief. The same mech that roughly handled him and often seemed annoyed every time it was Wheeljack's turn for check ups and maintenance was offering a way to accommodate a long dead tradition? _

"_My fingers are tools. I could do most of the repair that way first." Ratchet canted his head to one side. "What do you say? Should I try that?"_

"_N-no." Wheeljack lowered his hands, resting them on his chest and looking away from Ratchet. "Just fix it. Don't bother with all that. You've already seen it anyway. Primus, whoever dragged me in here probably saw it."_

"_Ironhide brought you in, and he didn't see anything. Your mask was cracked, but didn't expose your face. I removed it to properly bond it back together. That was one nasty little bomb you made. It's a wonder you weren't in pieces." _

_Wheeljack looked over at him again, watching as Ratchet pushed to stand. "Heh, yeah. I'm such a klutz, sometimes." Wheeljack nervously rubbed his fingers against his chestplate. _

_A small, genuine-looking smile spread across Ratchet's lips. It was odd to see the usually angry medic suddenly look so kind…so..._ handsome_. _

"_Well, it's certainly a change of pace to fix someone who wasn't maimed by Decepticons. But how about not making a habit of it, okay? You should be more careful." Ratchet picked up the repaired facemask off the side table, prepping it to reattach it to Wheeljack's helm. _

"_O-okay." Wheeljack had no idea there was so much more to Ratchet. All notions regarding what the medic was like were now shattered into pieces. He seemed so gentle and kind-sparked. Was this who he truly was? If so, why hide it and push everyone away? _

"_I'm going to put you into stasis to finish up your repairs." Ratchet offered one last, kind-looking smile as he tapped a button on an inset panel along the berth's edge. _

_Wheeljack felt a small electrical pulse course through him, and before he could say a word, he passed out. _

o.o.o

Wheeljack woke feeling disoriented. He didn't usually have memory file dumps when he recharged. This particular file had been one of his favorite memories, though. It had been the first time he saw how wonderful and kind Ratchet really was. He glanced up from his position pressed up against Ratchet's side. His mate was still deeply recharging. It had been almost a whole orn since they agreed to stop trying to make a sparkling, and to Wheeljack's disappointment, they had also stopped interfacing as well. He wanted to renew that original feeling he had when they first fell in love, but instead he felt the distance between them growing.

The momentary happiness he had felt from his memory faded away. _How do we get back there, Ratch? I never meant to make us stray away from loving each other._

After losing his family, Wheeljack spent a large chunk of his off duty time helping out at the base orphanage. Being surrounded by the sparklings reminded him of how it felt to be surrounded by his extensive family, as well as connect to others that knew the same kind of loss he did, even if they were sparklings. He wanted to offer comfort to them, and in turn take comfort from the moments they shared. It eased the pain in his spark to be around them. Watching them grow, learn, play, and especially enjoying the times he got to hold them close.

Now, all he wanted was to have one sparkling with Ratchet. Just one. One to pass down family stories to, one to play with, one to love with all his spark, and one to carry on some of his family traditions. It was selfish what he wanted, and he knew that. He stared silently at Ratchet, also knowing that his longing for a sparkling was now costing him his bondmate, but he honestly had no idea how to reconcile the two conflicting desires.

_I'm so sorry, Ratch_. He offlined his optics and pressed his face against Ratchet's shoulder. As much as he knew he should finish his recharge cycle, he couldn't slip back offline. Instead, he went through memory file after memory file of his life with Ratchet, reminding himself of how in love they were and trying to figure out how to cross the emotional canyon that now lay between them.

…

_Death was something inescapable in a time of war. In order to keep from feeling like he was drowning in the face of constantly losing patients, Ratchet had intentionally pulled away from everyone around him. Getting close to others was emotionally dangerous, and yet here he was, going on the third solar cycle without any recharge and only a few cubes of energon to sustain him, while watching over Wheeljack's unconscious form. _

_It had never been his intention to fall in love, especially since he really hadn't known much of it in his life. Still, this completely foreign emotion had taken over, and he had very much fallen in love with the clumsy, kind-sparked engineer. It had started innocently enough with Wheeljack popping into medbay to say hello or inviting himself to sit with Ratchet in the commissary. Before Ratchet knew it, his spark was fluttering wildly whenever he was near Wheeljack, and they had started to see one another regularly. Wheeljack wished to honor his family's traditions, so their time together consisted of talking and getting to know one another, nothing more. Ratchet enjoyed every moment he got to share with Wheeljack. And now seeing his unconscious form lying on the medbay berth had put into sharp focus just how deeply Ratchet cared for him._

_Ratchet could feel his systems growing sluggish as his exhaustion started to get the better of him. He refused to give in, though. He needed to know Wheeljack was all right. _

_They had been short-handed on base, since half the troops were off in Simfur, __attempting to defend the city, so Wheeljack was sent out on a patrol route with Jazz where they had been ambushed by Decepticons. Jazz, having had a lot more combat training, managed to get them out of there, but not before a blast had torn a hole through Wheeljack's chest, narrowly missing his spark chamber. It was Ratchet's worse fear come to life, operating on someone he cared about. He imagined that in a scenario like that he'd lack the ability to concentrate, but it turned out to be the opposite. He worked harder than ever to save Wheeljack, quickly stemming his hemorrhaging energon lines and making the repairs as if his_ own _life depended on it. After the fact, he realized that his life would have no meaning at all if Wheeljack disappeared from it and was now determined to tell him three words he had never uttered to anyone before, not even his own creators. _

_Wheeljack's hand suddenly twitched, and his head rolled to one side as his optics dimly lit and focused on Ratchet. "Ratch?"_

"_Hey there." Ratchet took hold of Wheeljack's nearby hand. "Don't move around too much, okay?"_

_Wheeljack nodded, his head fins dimly flashing pink. "I thought I was a goner."_

"_You almost were," Ratchet replied grimly._

"_You saved me, huh?" Wheeljack asked._

"_I couldn't very well let you die, now could I?"_

_Wheeljack weakly laughed. "Pays to date the CMO, then."_

_Ratchet smiled. Only Wheeljack would make a joke like that now. "I suppose it does. Actually, I want to say something to you. Something I have been thinking about a lot lately."_

"_Oh?" _

"_Thing is, I was really scared I'd lose you." Ratchet paused, remembering the only mech aside from Wheeljack that had meant anything to him had been his caretaker when he was sparkling. They'd play together every solar cycle until one solar cycle he came home from school and Flash wasn't there. His fathers had let him go, telling Ratchet he was old enough to not need someone looking after him anymore. Having someone he cared about ripped away like that had left a deep invisible scar. He looked at Wheeljack and knew he would fight to keep this mech he cared so much about at his side so long as his spark pulsed. He didn't want anyone or anything to take him away. "And…_I love you._"_

_Wheeljack's optics surged brightly. "Really?"_

_Ratchet nodded as he squeezed Wheeljack's hand. _

"_You know, I love you, too. You've been so amazing to put up with me and the whole tradition thing and everything." Wheeljack then retracted his facemask, exposing a beaming smile._

"_Jack, I thought-"_

"_Hey, you better hurry up and kiss me or I'll close it again!" Wheeljack teased._

_Ratchet's spark pulsed hard in his chest as he leaned in close to Wheeljack's exposed face. He stared into his brilliant blue optics, mesmerized by the incredible sight of Wheeljack's whole face. "You are so beautiful," he whispered just before he closed the gap to capture those soft lips with his own in their first kiss. Ratchet was no stranger when it came to kissing or even interfacing, but something about the fact he had waited and earned this kiss made it a thousand times more incredible than any kiss he'd had before it. As he pulled back he smiled at Wheeljack. "Hurry up and get better."_

"_I will." Wheeljack reached up and ran his hand down Ratchet's face. "I'm one lucky mech."_

"_No, I'm the lucky one."_

_Wheeljack laughed a little, his optics glinting with his amusement. _

_Ratchet mentally vowed in that moment to love Wheeljack with all his spark, to protect him, to give him the world if he could. _So this is what real love feels like, _he thought. _It feels incredible…

o.o.o

Ratchet onlined his optics and glanced around the empty room, realizing Wheeljack was already up. He stretched his frame as he mulled over the memory file that just replayed during his recharge. He smiled, remembering just how amazing that moment felt. Then the present and its complications refreshed themselves in his mind: the sparkling they couldn't make, the guilt over his jealousy toward Starscream and the pain of knowing he couldn't give Wheeljack everything he wanted.

The sounds of footsteps in the main living area caught his attention and he got up, wandering out just in time to catch Wheeljack as he was about to leave.

"It's a little early to be heading off, isn't it?" Ratchet asked.

Wheeljack already had his mask closed as he looked over his shoulder at Ratchet. "Yeah, I want to get down to the generator construction site early."

"Oh, okay." Ratchet hated feeling the awkward tension between them and was also hurt Wheeljack was about to leave without waking him up to say goodbye like he usually did. "Well, have a good shift."

"Thanks. You, too." Wheeljack stepped out the door and gave Ratchet a little wave as the door slid shut.

Ratchet's spark ached in his chest. It was such a minor thing, not waking him. But it felt huge. All he wanted to do was to protect and love Wheeljack, but things had somehow turned into such a mess. Good intentions with nothing but disastrous results. He'd done quite a bit of research since they decided to stop trying to make a sparkling, looking for a way to improve their odds, but he found nothing. They were the one in a thousand couple that turned out to be incompatible for sparking, and there wasn't anything he could do about it other than not share the painful truth with his mate to avoid crushing Wheeljack's hopes completely.

…

"How much longer am I going to be so fragging tired?" Starscream asked in an annoyed tone. As it turned out, Starscream's being a carrier made his already irritable mood much worse and made him a less than ideal patient to care for.

Ratchet bit back the urge to huff air from his intakes in frustration. "Another two orns," he replied.

Starscream refused to be seen in medbay, making Ratchet come up to his quarters for scans and check-ups. Seeing the small pulsing light of the sparklet on the scanner screen each solar cycle made his spark ache as his feelings of jealously towards Starscream seemed to intensify. That jealously coupled with his own sadness at knowing he and Wheeljack would probably never get sparked felt like an invisible weight that was constantly pushing down on him, and he wondered how long he was going to be able hold out against the immense pressure building up.

"What's with you?" Starscream snapped.

Ratchet glanced up at Starscream. "Me?"

"Yes _you_. I was under the impression that you were a top-notch medic, and yet you seem to be constantly spacing out when you're supposed to be tending to me. Are you like this with your medics in training?" Starscream narrowed his optics and crossed his arms over his torso in his seated position on his living area couch.

Ratchet felt a flare of his anger erupt but managed to hold it back by sheer force of will alone. "If the medics have a problem with me, I'm sure they'd tell you."

"Perhaps." Starscream faintly canted his head. "Or perhaps your behavior if specific to me? I mean, I did used to regularly send your Autobot friends to medbay. Maybe you're holding a grudge and taking it out on me now."

Ratchet deeply frowned but didn't dignify the accusation with an answer. He often wondered during these exams what Skyfire saw in Starscream.

"Well, at least have the decency to share your insights after staring at that stupid scanner for Primus knows how long," Starscream he said as he frowned back.

Frustrated and now irritated himself, Ratchet quickly subspaced his scanner. "Your vitals are normal. Recharge and stop complaining so much. You should be thrilled to be sparked." In a huff he headed toward the door.

"So _that's_ it then, hm? You're only acting like this around _me _because I'm _sparked_."

Ratchet turned to look back at Starscream who was sitting forward on the couch with a smug smile on his face. "What's that supposed to mean?" Ratchet asked.

"I know you and your partner have been attempting to get sparked."

"_Who told you that?_" Ratchet asked, practically yelling. He was shocked and upset that Starscream knew something so personal.

"Optimus Prime included it in his report to me. Information for just in case one of you did end up sparked while under my authority." Starscream unfolded his arms, and leaned back against the couch, his optics dimming slightly.

Prime told Starscream? Part of Ratchet understood why, but the other part still felt betrayed.

Starscream then sadly smiled at Ratchet. "You and I are alike in some ways, you know that?"

Ratchet gave Starscream a skeptical look. How in the name of Primus were they alike? Was the seeker mad? Starscream was completely self-centered and a royal pain in the aft.

"That little outburst is just a small piece of a much larger pain you are trying to hide, isn't it? I would know since I am like that, too. Even now, after working hard to stop holding it all in I still tend to do it. Especially if I think the ugly bits might end up hurting Skyfire. I have hurt him quite enough already so logically I should hold back and protect him, right? Take it from me, it doesn't work that way."

Protect…that was exactly what Ratchet was trying to do. Starscream's spot on assessment took him completely off guard, but he didn't want the smug seeker to know that. "You don't know anything about me or my relationship," Ratchet replied.

"Fine, don't listen to me." Starscream waved his hand dismissively. "But I'll tell you something: by holding in your pain you're probably hurting your mate just as much as yourself. As I re-learned, bonds are two-way, and if one of you hurts, both of you hurt."

Ratchet's anger faded, knowing Starscream was right as much as it pained him to admit it. Bonds _were_ two-way, and here he had been cutting off his half of it in an attempt to protect Wheeljack. He then realized that things were falling apart because _he_ was falling apart. Maybe it was selfish, but Ratchet knew at that moment he didn't want to carry the burden by himself anymore.

"Take or leave my advice. I really don't care. What I do care about is getting the same top-notch medical treatment you gave Thundercracker. So stop spacing out and deal with whatever issues that are obviously troubling you instead of stewing in them, got it?" Starscream made an effort to sit up but fell back against the couch with a whining moan. "Fraggit, I am too tired to get back to the berth."

Starscream certainly wasn't the most pleasant mech to deal with, but at the same time his brutal honesty had been something Ratchet knew he needed to hear, even if it did sting a little.

He watched the exhausted seeker try again to sit up, then fall back, seeming to give up the quest to get to his berth. While he could have left Starscream there to recharge, he also knew he would end up with sore joints when he woke up later from recharging in a sitting position.

"Here, I'll help you." Ratchet walked over and hooked his arm under Starscream's right arm, helping him to his feet.

"I hate how fast these waves of exhaustion hit," Starscream commented as he leaned his full weight against Ratchet.

"Well, your body is trying to sustain two sparks simultaneously," Ratchet replied. "And the exhaustion is a good sign. It means the sparklet's growing."

The seeker staggered slightly as they slowly made their way to the adjoining room. "Was it this bad for Thundercracker?"

"Heh, yeah, a little worse I'd say. He basically recharged for entire orn straight, only waking long enough to drink his energon." Ratchet glanced at the side of his patient's face. Starscream suddenly seemed so vulnerable and raw, nothing like the façade of superiority from only a few moments before.

Once near the oversized berth, Starscream crawled onto it and flopped down front first as he groaned. "This phase sucks aft."

Ratchet smiled, catching a glimpse of what Skyfire must see in the usually obnoxious flier. A genuine side to Starscream he never would have expected him to have. "Rest up. I'll be back tomorrow."

Starscream didn't answer, slipping into recharge instead.

As Ratchet walked back toward medbay he considered the unsolicited advice. He loved Wheeljack so much, but even acting out of a place of love by wanting to protect him didn't make that the right thing to do. Primus, he just wanted things to be stable between them again, sparkling or not. He would have to do whatever it took to rectify things again, preferably when he got off shift in a few cycles. _No sense waiting_, he thought.

…

Wheeljack jerked awake to see Ratchet standing over him while gently stroking his shoulder.

"Haven't seen you pass out on your workbench in a long time," Ratchet said with a small smile.

"Heh, yeah, I didn't get a full recharge cycle in." Wheeljack sat up, his joints protesting the shift the position. He had an impromptu workbench he set up in their quarters so he could build Lightningbolt a few new toys. He glanced at the unfinished poseable figure at the center of the work area.

"Making something for Bolt, huh?" Ratchet asked.

"Yeah. I was gonna go see him tomorrow. You wanna come with me?" Wheeljack looked to his mate, hoping he'd want to come. Wheeljack had visited with the new family several times since arriving, but each time Ratchet had an excuse for not being able to go with him.

"You know what? I think I will," Ratchet replied with a warm smile.

Wheeljack sensed a shift in his mate, but as he felt for Ratchet inside his spark, he realized Ratchet was closed off from him still. He wasn't sure what to make of the contradictory behavior. "Great. You should probably do a little check-up on him anyway. He's grown and some of his paneling may need adjustments."

"Sounds like a plan," Ratchet replied, still smiling. "Hey, come here." Ratchet tugged on Wheeljack's arm.

Obliging the request, Wheeljack got to his feet, despite the soreness in his joints. Ratchet then pulled him into an embrace. Wheeljack relaxed against the warmth of his mate's frame.

"I want to talk to you about this whole sparkling thing, Jackie."

Wheeljack instantly tensed. "Oh?"

"Thing is, I'm—That is, I've—" Ratchet gave Wheeljack a little squeeze. "Sorry, this is hard."

"It's okay. You know I love ya no matter what."

"I know." Ratchet leaned back, catching Wheeljack's gaze. "Primus knows I love you with all my spark." Ratchet then sadly frowned. "Look, I know I've been acting like an aft, blocking off my part of the bond and everything."

Wheeljack gazed into his mate's face, pinched with pain. "Ratch…"

"I closed it off to shield you from me. I did it because…I feel like I _failed _you. I want you to have anything your spark desires, Jack. And the harsh truth of the matter is that we _are incompatible for sparking_."

Wheeljack flinched at those words. Even if it might be true, the last thing he wanted was to hear it out loud.

"I can't give you the one thing I've known you wanted since we first started seeing each other and I—" Ratchet's voice cracked as his optics grew glassy with coolant. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not a match for you. I'm sorry I can't give you a sparkling…"

"Oh, Ratch." Wheeljack felt like his spark was about to break in two at the sight of Ratchet suddenly falling apart before him. He knew it was bad, but since Ratchet often hid and carried his burdens alone, Wheeljack had no idea just how much his mate was in fact hurting until now. "I'm the one who should be sorry for putting so much pressure on us to make a sparkling. Primus, I never meant to make you think something like that. You aren't a failure, and I'm the aft here."

Ratchet leaned forward, pressing their helms together. "You are anything but an aft."

"And you need to stop carrying the world on your shoulders." Wheeljack reached up and ran his thumb over Ratchet's lower lip. He then felt Ratchet's side of the bond open, and a mixture of pain and disappointment pulsed across it. '_Ratch, I love you. I love you so much. I don't want to lose you over this. I love you…I love you…'_

Ratchet practically crushed Wheeljack as he hugged him close and started to quietly cry. Wheeljack also emotionally let go; coolant escaping his optics as he momentarily considered that a sparkling might not be something they would have. They stood silently sharing their pain, clinging to one another. He felt himself trembling in Ratchet's arms at the thought a life devoid of a sparkling all their own. Even with all the logic pointing to Ratchet's assessment of their situation as the truth, Wheeljack knew he simply wasn't ready face it. He couldn't give up on his dream of having a sparkling. Somehow they would have one, he could feel it deep in his spark. But at the same time, he knew he was being completely irrational. _We love each other, it will happen, it has to, it just has to_, he thought to himself, trying to quell the pain unleashed at mere thought otherwise. He held fast to Ratchet, his fingers digging into his mate's plating.

Eventually Ratchet turned his head and started to pepper little kisses across Wheeljack's exposed cheek. '_I love you, Jackie.'_

Wheeljack relaxed a little, realizing that Ratchet no longer felt so far away from him, which helped to alleviate his pain as he felt himself slipping into a state of denial. '_I love you, Ratch.'_

Ratchet pulled back, and gazed deeply into Wheeljack's optics. "Primus, you are so beautiful."

No matter how many times Ratchet told him that, he still felt embarrassed. Stellar cycles of getting funny looks or even the occasional insensitive comment about his unusual helm design had left him self-conscious about his looks. "You're the pretty one," Wheeljack replied as he pinched Ratchet's side. "Besides, I've now got coolant all over my face." He reached up to wipe some of it away but Ratchet grabbed hold of his arm, stopping him.

A lovely smile, one Wheeljack hadn't seen in quite some time, blossomed across Ratchet's tear-stained face. "Take the compliment."

Wheeljack slowly nodded as he sheepishly smiled back. Primus, he loved his mate so much. His spark ached as he still felt little waves of Ratchet's pain over their inability to spark pulse over their bond. Wheeljack chose to deny it, though, sending his love back over the bond in an attempt to comfort Ratchet.

Ratchet's gaze lowered to his lips, telegraphing the next intended move. Suddenly all Wheeljack wanted was the reassurance that came with Ratchet's love, the feeling of being connected to him again. "What'cha waiting for?" Wheeljack asked, tipping his face forward and focusing on Ratchet's perfectly shaped lips. Ratchet's pain faded, as an intense feeling of love came pushing through the bond instead.

Ratchet chuckled before he closed the space between them, locking their lips together in a wonderful, soft-mouthed kiss. Ratchet let go of his hand, allowing Wheeljack to ring his arms around his mate's neck. He then felt Ratchet's hands drift over his frame and settle at his hips. Arousal at the close contact rolled through him and was met full force by Ratchet's desire pushing back over the bond. Setting all the pain aside, they seem to collectively shift priorities, allowing their desire for one another to take over. Wheeljack parted his lips and Ratchet ceased the opportunity, delving his glossa deep into his mouth. Both their frames heated, and Wheeljack let out a small moan of approval, which was swallowed into their kiss.

Apparently not needing any more prompting, Ratchet slid his hands under Wheeljack's aft, lifting him up and carrying him toward the couch set in the middle of the room. Their kiss finally broke as Ratchet lowered him down to sit, then proceeded to kneel on the floor and push Wheeljack's legs apart to settle between them. Ratchet's hands and mouth pored over every micrometer of Wheeljack's chest and torso, leaving his dermal plating tingling in the wake of his mate's affectionate touches and kisses. Wheeljack was so caught up in the lovely sensations rippling over his sensory net; he could do little more in return than make happy noises of approval and lightly stroke at Ratchet's chevron.

Ratchet soon scooted back and trailed his lips lower until he reached the cover to Wheeljack's interface array, which he mouthed and kissed. Wheeljack wanted his mate to take him with every ounce of his being. In fact, he couldn't easily remember the last time passion this deep fueled their desire for one another. For the last stellar cycle it had been all about making a sparkling… He triggered the cover open for his mate. "All yours," he whispered.

Glancing up, Ratchet's optics locked with Wheeljack's and deepened in color to a cerulean blue as he lightly ran his lips over Wheeljack's exposed and extending jack. Primus, he loved how Ratchet looked when he was turned on. Suddenly the lovely blue shade brightened, and Ratchet froze.

"Fraggit!" Ratchet said as he sat back.

"What? What's the matter?" Wheeljack asked, surprised and worried by the abrupt shift.

"The medics pinged me with the emergency signal. _Fraggit_." Ratchet's gaze fell to Wheeljack's exposed interface array, and he sadly frowned. "Just when it was getting good."

Wheeljack laughed a little. "Take care of the emergency. I promise I'll be just as revved up when you get back."

Ratchet smiled sadly then he leaned forward and placed a kiss to Wheeljack's now retreating jack. "I'll be back for you."

"You're such a goof sometimes," Wheeljack said, laughing and playfully batting at Ratchet. "Go already."

"All right." His mate reluctantly got to his feet as Wheeljack tucked his jack away and closed the cover to his array.

"Hey, Jackie?"

"Hm?" Wheeljack glanced up at his mate.

"You're my everything. Always have been, always will be."

"You're my everything, too, Ratch."

Ratchet heaved one last, disappointed sigh out his intakes then made his way to the door. He paused at the opened doorway and looked back at Wheeljack. "We're okay, right?" Ratchet asked.

"We're good." _So long as you don't pull away from me again_, he mentally added.

"I won't close my side of the bond again, I promise," Ratchet said as he offered a small, regretful smile before he slipped out the door.

Relief at those words spread through Wheeljack, helping to put him at ease. They each had their faults; there was no escaping that fact. But they also loved each other enough to work through things together, which greatly comforted him. Even if Ratchet was right about their incompatibility, Wheeljack simply couldn't accept it. He couldn't shake the feeling that somehow, someway they were going to have a sparkling of their own. Irrational or not, it was what he felt in his spark, and what he _needed_ to believe in order to not shatter into pieces.

...

_A/N- Thanks for all the faves, alerts, and reviews! Woo! Next week I'll post the final installment of this story, until then, I hope you enjoyed the angst of it all. ^^;_


	3. A Gift

Title: Alive – A Gift

Author: pl2363

Series: Transformers AU/G1

Rating: M (Death of OC characters)

Notes: Ratchet x Wheeljack. 'Regardless' & 'Forgive' are heavily referenced, please read those fics before reading this one. This is now in a totally AU setting. Ratchet and Wheeljack have been trying to get sparked, but start to lose hope with each failed attempt. Will their love be enough to sustain them? Also note- the new governmental system has made the formerly warring factions into political parties, as mentioned in the epilogue of 'Regardless'.

Thanks to Mirage Shinkiro for the beta. Title taken from "Help, I'm Alive" by Metric.

"_I get wherever I'm going  
I get whatever I need  
While my blood's still flowing  
And my heart still beats…  
Beating like a hammer  
Beating like a hammer…"_

Orn= 3 weeks; Solar cycle= 1 day

Also... Transformers belong to Hasbro, I am just playing with them.

* * *

Picking up his pace, Ratchet practically ran down the hallways toward medbay once he made contact with one of the medics over his comm. link and got a brief on the situation unfolding. He burst into medbay, his gaze landing on the one already deceased mech lying on a berth near the entrance.

"Where's the other one?" he shouted as he spied three medics huddled at a berth in one of the side rooms.

"Here, sir!"

Ratchet wasted no time entering the small room. He had been informed over the comm. link that two mechs had been found injured in Iacon by a recovery team that had been scavenging for supplies. One died during the transport. The other was now writhing on the medbay exam table in front of him.

"He's suffering severe energon starvation. We infused his fuel tank directly, but his conversion tank won't process it. What do we do, sir?" one of the medics asked.

Ratchet knew all to well that there was nothing they _could do_. He hated when his medical expertise was only good for giving such a grim prognosis. If the conversion tank refused to function, then that meant this mech's body was on the verge of permanent shutdown due the extensive damage his internal systems had suffered from the lack of fuel, making saving his life impossible. What Ratchet found curious, though, was that this mech was writhing in pain. Patients dying from energon starvation were usually limp and barely responsive.

"Make it stop hurting, _please!_" cried out the dying mech as he clutched at his chest.

"What hurts?" Ratchet asked in a stern tone.

"My chest. My spark! I didn't know until it was too late. If I had known earlier, Fireblast would be alive!" The mech started to sob as he dug his fingers into his chest plate.

Ratchet felt his spark sink in his chest. Reading the meaning between the disjointed sentences, he had an inkling of what was happening. "Was Fireblast your bondmate?"

"Yes!" The mech rolled his head back and arched partway off the berth.

"Frag," whispered Ratchet.

"What is it, sir?" asked the medic beside him.

Ratchet grabbed one of the mech's hands, attempting to get him to stop clutching at his chest. "One of you, grab his other hand."

Once the mech was secured, Ratchet bent over him, locking his gaze with the dying mech's. "Open your chest, _now_." The young mech stared at him with wild optics, then nodded as his chest plates parted. Ratchet didn't need a scanner to see why he was in so much pain. A sparklet hovered beside its host spark with one very thin tendril of energy connecting it. The reason the young mech was alive was the same reason he was in pain. The sparklet was helping sustain the host spark out of self-preservation, but there was no way it could survive much longer in this state.

"Is that a sparkling?" asked a nearby medic in an astonished tone.

"Yes and we don't have a protoform," Ratchet replied as he deeply frowned.

"Yeah we do," the small medic just beside him replied enthusiastically. "I unpacked it when you had me unload your transport cart. It was in a dingy-looking container. I put in the back cabinet where it could be locked up."

_Wheeljack_… He must have made a spare protoform. "Get it, stat!"

"Yes, _sir!_"

'Jack!'

'Ratch?'

'I need you down here to deliver a sparkling with me.'

'Wait, _what?_'

'I have a dying mech here who is sparked. I need you here to help me save the sparkling.'

'On my way.' A sense of vehement determination pushed over their bond.

He glanced back at the young mech on the exam table, sobbing and still struggling against the hold he was in. "What's you name?" Ratchet asked.

"Tanker—argh!"

"Tanker, your systems have been compromised, and there is nothing I can do now to save your life. The energon starvation is too severe. But if you can hang on, I think we can save your sparkling." Ratchet hated delivering this kind of life and death diagnosis. But he also knew he needed to be blunt with this young mech in order to get him to understand how dire things were for the sparklet attached to him.

"Fraggit!" Tanker winced from his pain, then looked up at Ratchet, his optics flickering from the stress and terror of the situation. "For the love of Primus, please save our sparkling! Save him and promise me—ahhh—promise you'll give him a name—ungh—in honor of my mate, _please_."

"I promise." Ratchet's spark ached for the doomed pair. They had probably been scraping by on scavenged energon when then had accidentally gotten sparked. Carrying this sparkling to term was a miracle, really. This was certainly one tenacious little sparket to make to the separation stage without proper medical care.

"Here's the protoform, sir." Ratchet glanced over to see a small silver and black sparkling protoform in the small medic's arms.

Refocusing on the task at hand, Ratchet quickly gave his medics orders. "I want you to fill the protoform's fuel tank with the same ultra pure energon we have been giving Commander Starscream." The small medic nodded in acknowledgement. Ratchet then looked to the medic helping him to hold Tanker still. "Continue to hold him down, and don't let him touch his spark chamber. I'll work to keep vital systems that haven't failed online long enough for us to help complete the separation."

"Yes, sir."

Ratchet glanced to his right to see the third medic staring at the dying patient, seemingly frozen in place. "You take this arm so I can work on him, all right?"

The young medic glanced up at Ratchet. "I'm sorry. I-I've never seen anyone die before."

"Come here," Ratchet said in a commanding tone. The medic walked over, and Ratchet handed off the arm in his grasp. "Hopefully, this will be a rare occurrence. Right now I really need you to focus on helping to save the sparkling. Can you do that for me?"

The young medic looked at Ratchet and nodded, then turned back to his assigned task, securing a firm hold on the arm he held in place. "Yes, sir."

The sound of familiar footsteps echoed in the main medbay. Ratchet twisted around to see Wheeljack at the doorway. Their optics immediately locked in an intense gaze.

"Where do you want me?" Wheeljack asked.

"Help with the rest of the protoform prep; I'll keep him alive while you do."

"On it!" Wheeljack replied as he joined the smaller mech already filling the tiny fuel tank of the protoform.

Ratchet shifted his position at the side of the exam table, removed the plating over his patient's chest, and bent over his exposed insides. He could see several systems that had no indications they were working at all. He spun around and grabbed an electrical pulse pen off the nearby cart, and then reached inside his patient, applying small electrical charges to various systems to see if he could get a response. The thermal regulator and electrical grid responded, but little else did. He glanced at Tanker's spark, which was fading as it grew weaker. The sparklet, however, still pulsed at a regular rate, which was an encouraging sign.

"Ready!" Wheeljack said excitedly as he moved to Ratchet's side, holding the protoform in his hands.

Ratchet nodded. "I need a set of energy forceps."

The small medic quickly nabbed the tool requested off the shelf behind him and handed them off.

"Hold the protoform as close as you can get it, Jack."

Wheeljack scooted closer, and everyone around the exam table shifted to accommodate his mate as he held out the protoform.

"That's the—hmph—protoform?" Tanker asked, his voice crackling with static.

"Yes, Tanker. I'm removing the sparklet now." With that, Ratchet reached in and easily plucked the sparklet free of its host spark. The tiny sparklet didn't struggle against the tool holding it like both Miles and Lightningbolt had, indicating that it had grown weak from sustaining itself and the host spark. Ratchet then moved quickly to deposit it in the spark chamber of the protoform. Only then did he take a moment to look at the sparkling body Wheeljack held. It was all silver in color with the exception of his forearms, hands, thighs and tiny chevron, which were accented in black. Wheeljack's color choices were definitely neutral since this was clearly intended as a spare protoform, but Ratchet also saw how it resembled himself with the face shape and chevron detailing. He wondered if his mate had been consciously aware when making it that it looked like Ratchet.

Wheeljack pulled the protoform close to his chest, and Ratchet turned partway to peer down at the sparklet in the middle of the protoform's spark chamber steadily pulsing away, but not expanding outward like it should.

"Come on little guy, this is your new home. Go ahead and take it," Wheeljack said in an encouraging tone. "I made this for an emergency just like this one. I made it with a sparklet like _you_ in mind."

As if responding to his mate's words, tendrils of energy expanded outward and the spark surged as it took hold of its new home.

A smile tugged at Ratchet's lips as he watched it grab hold. "That's the way to do it."

Suddenly, monitors began beeping, and Ratchet turned his attention back to the young mech on the exam berth. The fatally damaged mech's optics were dark and his spark extinguished, having held on just long enough to know his offspring had made it. The medic that had panicked earlier carefully lowered the arm in his grasp and quickly rubbed the standing coolant in his optics away, as the other one hit the switch for the monitors, turning them off.

"He's gone," said the small the medic quietly, furrowing his brow at the deceased mech.

"But his sparkling is alive," Wheeljack replied.

All three medics turned their attention to the sparkling in Wheeljack's grasp.

"Now what happens?" asked the small medic. "He's not moving or anything."

"The spark needs to start powering its new body. It will take a little time." Wheeljack glanced at Ratchet. "Someone needs to be holding him when his optics light up."

"That someone is you, Jack."

Ratchet knew it was presumptuous to assume that this parentless sparkling would end up theirs, but at the same time he knew this was the best chance they had at being parents. Besides, he couldn't deny Wheeljack the opportunity to hold a sparkling that was about to awaken for the first time, _especially _one that would hopefully end up in their care.

'We can't just take it, Ratch.' Wheeljack's hesitancy pulsed through their bond.

'And he can't wake up alone in this world,' Ratchet replied.

He felt Wheeljack's elation at being the one to hold the sparkling as it came online pulse over their bond, which in turn made Ratchet smile.

Wheeljack then shifted his gaze back at the deceased mech on the table beside them. "Thank you for hanging on. That took true courage."

Ratchet nodded and then wrapped an arm around Wheeljack's waist, pulling him close.

They both then turned their attention to the sparkling, watching intently as the sparkling's fingers curled and his tiny body slightly twisted in Wheeljack's grasp.

"His body's already warm, Ratch. He'll wake up any second."

As if on cue, the sparkling's facial features scrunched up at his nose and two tiny aqua-colored optics flared to life as they gazed upward at them. The little sparkling wriggled in Wheeljack's grasp, and then made a wail of protest.

"Go and prep room 8 for Wheeljack. He'll need ultra pure energon in the conical containers, and grab the comfortable chair out of my office," Ratchet ordered.

The medics all nodded while responding with a chorus of "Yes, sir," before they left the room.

Ratchet looked at his mate, confused by how Wheeljack's happy expression had faded. "We aren't his creators. He'll probably cry a lot at first." Wheeljack's voice was low and sad-sounding.

"He's going to need comfort and loving care, and I can't think of anyone better for that task than you." Ratchet gently squeezed Wheeljack as he placed a kiss to the side of his mate's helm.

He felt both joy and sadness intermingle as Wheeljack's emotions crossed their bond. Ratchet responded with a thick wave of love and reassurance. 'If I have to fight Starscream to death to make sure we end up parents to this sparkling, I will,' Ratchet silently told to Wheeljack.

His mate laughed a little. 'Let's hope it doesn't come to that... and I assume that means you want us to try and adopt him.'

'I do.'Ratchet made sure his strong desire to make it happen accompanied his words.'Do you?'

'Primus, _yes_, 'Wheeljack replied.

The sparkling's optics suddenly dimmed as coolant pooled in them. He twisted again and flailed his tiny fists, as his vocializer came to life and he began to cry.

"Crying a lot means he's gonna run through fuel fast." Wheeljack shifted to hold the flailing sparkling higher up against his chest as he dipped his head a little lower. "I'm sorry little guy. I'm sorry this I how you had to enter the world," he said to the sparkling in a soft voice.

The sparkling gazed at him as coolant streamed down his tiny cheeks and his vocalizer hitched between cries.

"Let's get you two into room 8." Ratchet gently guided his mate toward the door.

Adopting. Something Ratchet assumed was off the table for them. Their race was so decimated by the war that it made sparklings very rare. He would have never expected this to happen; yet his mate seemed to have been prepared for a situation like this, bringing a spare protoform with them. Ratchet wondered if _he_ was prepared for what lay ahead of them. Fate had offered them a chance to have the sparkling that they so desperately wanted, but would the sparkling grow to love parents that didn't share his spark energy? Would he ever be attached to them the way Miles or Lightningbolt were to their creators? Ratchet then understood Wheeljack's conflicting emotions. This was a both sad and happy event. There was so much hope _and_ fear of the unknown. First thing first, though: secure guardianship. After that, they could figure out how to move forward and form a family unit.

…

Immediately after getting Wheeljack set up to in the medbay room, Ratchet had attempted to comm. Starscream, but to no avail. He resorted to pinging Skyfire who let Ratchet know that Starscream was too exhausted to deal with command issues and relayed the message, 'Ask Soundwave if you need something.' Annoyed but also determined, Ratchet then contacted the SIC over the video comm. in medbay and managed to secure temporary guardianship. Soundwave then informed him that he would have to discuss his request for a full adoption with Starscream once the Commander was back on duty. Ratchet felt an urgent need to make sure this sparkling could be theirs to care for, but he also knew that here on Cybertron he had to follow the protocols set up by Starscream, whether he liked it or not.

Afterward, he joined Wheeljack in the medbay room, and they focused their full energy on tending to the sparkling that seemed to have two states of being: crying his spark out or recharging.

At the moment it was the middle of third shift and things were relatively quiet, aside from the wailing of the tiny sparkling.

"He needs a name." Wheeljack held the sparkling cradled in one arm while he gently ran the fingers of his free hand over the sparkling's chest in an effort to comfort him as he continued to cry.

Ratchet sat on the medbay berth beside his mate, wishing there was something he could do to stop the incessant crying. "Tanker asked he be named after the other creator, Fireblast."

"Hm… Fireblast." Wheeljack's mask was engaged, just in case a medic on duty entered the closed room unannounced. Ratchet gazed at his mate, knowing that he was probably pursing his lips behind his mask as he considered the possibilities. "Fireblast was the red one out in the main bay when I got here, right?"

"Yeah," Ratchet replied as he reached out to lightly run his fingers along one of the sparkling's flailing arms. "He's not really fire colored, though." The sparkling grabbed hold of Ratchet's finger and squeezed it as his vocalizer hitched slightly from crying so hard.

"This a tough one. I really have no clue what he should be called," Wheeljack said as he looked to Ratchet.

"What about something simple like Flame?" Ratchet suggested. "It's related to fire."

Wheeljack's optics dimmed slightly, then suddenly surged brightly. "Oh! I know! Silverflame!" Wheeljack said excitedly.

Ratchet glanced back at the small sobbing sparkling. "Silverflame. I think that's perfect." The newly-named sparkling squirmed in Wheeljack's grasp, seeming to have a never-ending stream of tears, which his mate occasionally wiped away from his small face. Ratchet softly sighed a small gust of air out his intakes. "How long do you think he will he be like this?"

"At least an orn. I remember the orphans at the base would cry like this. But we weren't supposed to hold them or anything so we could avoid creating a bond with them. When a sparkling loses parents like this, their sparks often memorize the energy of the ones that look after them." Wheeljack gently hugged the newly-named sparkling close. "I'm glad I get to hold him. That we get to make a bond, even if it's not the same as creating him ourselves."

Ratchet leaned close to Wheeljack, placing a kiss to the side of his helm. "Me, too."

The door to the room suddenly opened, and Ratchet made sure to give the third shift medic a dark glare. "_What?_"

"Ah, sorry. I have the Commander out here. He's, ah, _really_ upset."

"Be right there," Ratchet replied.

"Upset," Wheeljack repeated. "I wonder why?"

Ratchet slid off the berth to stand and face his new family unit. He leaned down and nuzzled Silverflame's helm. "Be good for Jack." The small sparkling momentarily paused his crying to stare with wide optics at Ratchet. "Just so you know, we're not going anywhere," Ratchet said to the sparkling who then pouted at Ratchet before he rolled his head to press against Wheeljack's chest and resume his crying.

Wheeljack chuckled a little. "I should give him some more energon."

Ratchet straightened, then grabbed a prepped container of energon, handing it off to his mate.

"_Ratchet!_ Get the frag out here, _now!_" Starscream's voice bellowed from the main area of medbay.

Looking back to the door he saw the medic still standing there, shifting his weight impatiently from foot to foot. "Sir?"

"Go on," Wheeljack said.

Ratchet deeply frowned as he walked out past the medic into the main area of medbay and spotted Starscream sitting on one of the berths, clutching his chest. Starscream had refused to talk to Ratchet earlier when it was a pressing issue for him. Now he was here demanding Ratchet's attention like a youngling. Primus, he was one self-centered mech.

"Something's wrong." Starscream's voice seemed to waver and his wings were slightly quivering.

Ratchet's irritation evaporated almost instantly when he saw just how frightened Starscream appeared, and he quickly made his way over. "What's going on?"

"It hurts. I've felt it move before, but nothing like this. It shouldn't be hurting. What could be wrong?" Starscream's panic seemed to rise with each successive word.

"Lay back," Ratchet replied in a stern tone. "And try to calm down."

Starscream swung his legs up onto the berth and lay back. "Calm down! You've got to be fragging kidding me! If I lose this sparkling—" Starscream cut himself off, and winced as coolant pooled in his optics.

Surprised by Starscream's apparent fear, he fumbled to say something reassuring. "I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. Now, open your chest for me." Ratchet glanced over his shoulder at the medic on duty. "Deluge, bring me a scanner," Ratchet ordered loudly. He had a pretty good idea what was causing the pain, since Mirage had complained of something very similar when he carried Miles. He turned back to Starscream and offered a half smile. "Some sparklets get greedy and make themselves a second tendril connecting to the host spark to siphon off more energy. I'll bet you anything that's all it is."

Furrowing his brow, Starscream didn't look convinced. "It's just… this isn't the first time I've been sparked. I lost one before," he said, his voice still wavering.

Suddenly the panicked state Starscream was in made a lot more sense. "When did that happen?"

"When I was young," Starscream replied.

"Less than a vorn into maturity?" Ratchet asked.

Starscream nodded.

"That's pretty common. A mech that young more often than not absorbs a sparklet." The medic on duty appeared at Ratchet's side and handed off the scanner. "Let me take a look," Ratchet said as he held the scanner over Starscream's exposed spark and watched the screen intently. The tiny sparklet zoomed across the screen, and sure enough it had two tails of energy trailing behind it, one much brighter than the other. "Yep. Your sparklet made a second tendril. Happened to Mirage, too."

"So, it's okay?" Starscream asked.

"It's fine. I'm gonna sever the extra connection, though, and then the pain should stop."

Starscream made a face. "Sever it? Will that hurt the sparkling?"

"Nope. Come on, let's get you to room 3." Ratchet stepped back and gestured for Starscream to sit back up.

"Little fragger is already being a pain, huh?" Starscream said, half-joking as he shifted to sit up and closed his cockpit.

It was then it occurred to Ratchet that Skyfire would have escorted Starscream down to medbay, but as he glanced around he noticed the large shuttle was no where to be seen. "Did you come down here alone? I'm sure Skyfire is really worried about you."

"That's precisely why he's not down here with me. I didn't want him to worry. He was recharging when I left." Starscream pushed to stand and then rested a hand over his chest.

"You don't take your own advice, huh?" Ratchet said teasingly. "You know, not holding things in and all that?"

Starscream narrowed his optics. "I'm _working_ on it. I never said I was perfect."

Ratchet snorted as he stifled a laugh. "Wow, never thought I'd hear _you_ say something like that."

Starscream deeply frowned, clearly not amused.

Ratchet wasn't put off by the look on Starscream's face, though. Just like Thundercracker, Starscream had shown there was quite a bit more to his personality than the front he often presented. Thinking now was as good a time as any, Ratchet decided to ask about Silverflame's fate. "You know, earlier in the cycle we saved a sparkling. I was meaning to ask you if Wheeljack and I co—"

"Soundwave already briefed me on the sparkling and dead parents," Starscream interrupted. A somewhat regretful look crossed his face. "My authority doesn't give me the power to grant you permanent guardianship. I assume that is what you were about to ask me."

Ratchet felt his spark sink in his chest. "It was." Starscream was the commander, though. Surely Prime would have granted them permission. So why the frag couldn't Starscream do the same? "Why don't you have the authority? You're the _commander of Cybertron._"

"I realize that." Starscream faintly shook his head. "In order to keep peace between the factions, I created a council of half Decepticons and half Autobots to make rulings on new procedures. And this would be the _first_ adoption since our new two party government has gone into effect, so it's up to the council to make the call, as well as define how adoptions will be handled moving forward." Starscream winced. "Fraggit," he muttered as he squeezed his glassy cockpit.

Disappointed didn't even begin to describe how Ratchet felt. He had pinned his hopes on Starscream, assuming it would be a simple task of asking nicely. It seemed so unfair. Capable bondmates could spark their own sparklings and not have to ask anyone to do it, and yet he and Wheeljack were now going to have to jump through hoops and _hope_ that they could have this parentless sparkling for their own.

He suddenly felt Wheeljack's concern pulse through their bond, sensing his disappointment. Not wanting to worry his mate, and needing to deal with Starscream's sparklet, he sent a wave of love to Wheeljack and silently spoke through the bond. 'I'll tell you after I take care of Starscream.'

Having to relay more bad news to Wheeljack was not something he was relishing having to do. He was so tired of everything going sideways on them. Why did fate keep toying with them? Why couldn't things just go their way for once? Ratchet pushed his thoughts away as they entered the exam room, and he tried to take some comfort in knowing that they loved one another and that somehow they would make it through this too. Or so he hoped.

…

"I'm nervous," Wheeljack said as he glanced at the door to the conference room.

"Me, too," Ratchet replied, holding a recharging Sliverflame cradled in one arm against his chest.

It had been just over an orn since Silverflame came online. His crying fits had subsided over the last couple of solar cycles as he seemed to accept Ratchet and Wheeljack as his caretakers. Even so, he was far from being officially theirs. The council had convened to discuss their case early that solar cycle and now requested their presence to answer some questions before deciding. If the council took the guardianship away from them, Ratchet feared it would destroy Wheeljack and him.

Over the last orn things between them had been tense. They both _wanted_ to be close to the sparkling, but each was also terrified of having their opportunity to finally be parents together ripped away from them. The whole situation had put another heavy strain on their relationship, although this time Ratchet was trying his best to be more open with how everything was making him feel, which was mostly stressed from not knowing if Silverflame would be theirs or not. Still, there were moments where he hid how he felt in order to offer Wheeljack the comfort he needed when it all became too much for his mate to bear and he would end up crying in Ratchet's arms.

Their future as well as the sparkling's now lay in the hands of eight council members, four Decepticons and four Autobots. Ratchet was more than ready to get off this emotional roller coaster they had been on.

The door to the conference room slid open, and the young femme that was Starscream's office assistant walked out. "They are ready to speak with you now."

They moved to stand, and Ratchet felt Wheeljack's worry and fear flood their bond. With his free hand, he reached down and laced their fingers together. 'We can do this, Jack.'

Wheeljack looked up at him as his headfins flashed pink. 'I love you, Ratch.'

Ratchet warmly smiled at his mate. 'I love you, Jack. No matter what happens, we still have each other.'

Wheeljack nodded.

They proceeded into the room, and the femme led them to a set of chairs at the end of the conference table. Ratchet's gaze shifted to the members that lined each side of the opposing end of the table: Ultra Magnus, Elita One, Chromia and Kup on one side, and Starscream, Soundwave, Dirge and Shockwave along the other.

The sparkling shifted in Ratchet's grip as he sat down, his tiny optics briefly lighting then dimming to black as he slid back into a recharge. Wheeljack lightly patted the sparkling's helm. They both already loved this little sparkling so much, despite their efforts to not get completely attached. The mere notion that he'd no longer be with them made Ratchet's spark twist painfully in its chamber.

"Each council member now has the opportunity to ask the potential parents any questions they have," Starscream said as he leaned his head on his hand, evidently fighting his exhaustion from carrying.

"While we appreciate the fact you have stepped up to look after this parentless sparkling, we do have concerns regarding his further care," Ultra Magnus stated in a dry tone. "The primary being that the spark energy this sparkling carries will never sync to either of you. This will make things difficult as he matures, since you will not have the inherent connection that would allow you to form the type of parental bond carriers and co-creators have with their sparklings. Do you each understand that aspect of adopting another couple's sparking?"

A sensation of annoyance crossed the bond from Wheeljack. "All sparklings have the ability to form new bonds to caregivers. No matter the age." Wheeljack shifted his gaze to Kup. "Hot Rod would be a good example. He was already onto his second upgrade after losing his creators; even so Kup was able to establish a parental bond with him. Sharing spark energy is ideal, but not necessary."

"If it is ideal, then why not simply spark your own sparkling?" Shockwave asked in a snide voice.

Ratchet narrowed his optics on the purple mech. "We are incompatible for sparking."

"You have been trying, then?" Chromia asked.

They both nodded.

"For how long?" she also asked.

"Since before Megatron's death," Wheeljack replied.

Several council members looked at them sadly. Ratchet hated feeling like they were being pitied, but at the same time if that's what it took to sway them, then so be it.

"Even though I adopted Hot Rod, I can't say it's been easy." Kup leaned back in his seat. "That little punk hardly listens to anything I say, especially now that he's matured."

"Thing is, all sparklings can be difficult to raise, whether they share spark energy or not. There is a whole family dynamic part of this to consider, and loving parents are essential, right? Ratch and I have a ton of love to give Silverflame– that is if we're given the chance to." Wheeljack then focused on Kup. "And are you sorry you adopted Hot Rod? 'Cause it doesn't seem that way to me."

Kup chuckled a little. "I'm not sorry, no matter how much of a pain the aft he is."

"The two of you are prepared to be parents, then? Ready for handling the responsibility as well as your assigned duties, whether that be here or on Earth?" Elita One asked. "I know that Mirage asked for light duty, and Jazz had his shift hours reduced in order to care for their sparkling. Whereas the seekers removed themselves from duty entirely to tend theirs." Elita let her optics dim slightly. "I have a hard time seeing even Prime allowing his chief medic and head engineer the same latitude afforded to Jazz and Mirage."

Ratchet felt Wheeljack's worry spike but did his best to quell it. 'I've got this one.' "I have been training a whole team of medics so everyone here on Cybertron will have a staff on hand to handle the growing population and its needs. Perceptor is also trained well enough to cover Earth's base in my absence while I am here on Cybertron. Plus, from what I can tell, the Constructicons are anything but incapable. I think a reduction in hours for me and Wheeljack with the understanding we'd be on call would be all we need to in order to have the time to take care of Silverflame."

"Location of sparkling upbringing: Earth or Cybertron?" Soundwave droned.

That was a question Ratchet hadn't anticipated.

'Earth,' Wheeljack said over their bond. 'When he gets older he can play with Miles.'

Apparently his mate had. "Earth," Ratchet replied.

"You seriously want to raise him on that dirtball? He was sparked _here_. He came online _here_," Dirge replied as he made a face, denoting his disgust with organic planet.

"We wouldn't have anything _here_ if it weren't for Earth's resources," Wheeljack quickly countered. "Besides, Miles is on Earth and would be a good playmate for Silverflame once he's bigger."

The council grew quiet, seemingly done with their questioning.

Ratchet glanced at Starscream, noticing he hadn't asked a single question. The seeker still had his head propped up on his hand, and his optics were dimmed.

"All right, then. I think we've heard enough," Starscream finally said, breaking the silence as he waved a hand in the air.

The council members nodded.

"Great." Starscream sat up straight in his seat. "Now let's quickly decide this thing so I can go pass out in my quarters instead of right here at the table. Ratchet and Wheeljack are dismissed, and our decision will be relayed to you later in the cycle."

They were then swiftly whisked out the room by the assistant femme and left standing in the hallway outside as the door slid shut on the deciders of their fate.

Wheeljack moved close and gazed down at the still recharging sparkling. He leaned down and nuzzled the small helm. Silverflame lit his optics to gaze at Wheeljack for a moment before he curled his small frame against Ratchet's chest and slid offline again.

"I think we did pretty well," Ratchet said softly.

Wheeljack looked up. "I wasn't expecting them to ask such tough questions, but I think we made our case."

Ratchet nodded. "Now we just have to wait."

"Yeah," Wheeljack replied. "I feel like we've waited for so long, Ratch. We haven't just been waiting during the last orn. We've been waiting since we bonded for this."

"I know." Ratchet leaned forward and placed a kiss to Wheeljack's helm. "Let's all go wait together."

"Okay," Wheeljack replied quietly.

…

Afraid of getting too attached, Ratchet and Wheeljack had taken up residence in room 8 of medbay with Silverflame over the last orn, figuring they would take him back to their temporary quarters if permanent guardianship was ever granted to them.

They had returned to the cramped space after meeting with the council, wanting to have time alone with the sparkling. Ratchet sat on the berth with his back propped up against the wall, and Wheeljack was curled up beside him with Silverflame in his grasp. The sparkling had finally woken, and Wheeljack was giving him some energon, which the small sparkling was greedily sucking down while gazing upward at them.

"He's so cute," Wheeljack said, his adoration bleeding into his voice.

"Now that he's not crying we can see his little face better, too," Ratchet replied.

"Heh, true. But he needed to mourn his parents."

Silverflame finished his serving of energon and batted away the emptied container, which Wheeljack set down on the berth beside them.

"Full?" Ratchet asked the sparkling.

Tiny hands reached up and fingered Wheeljack's chest curiously. "We should get him some of the spacial toys for him to play with so his processor can properly develop. He lost some time there with all the crying."

"I can go grab them from our quarters in a bit." Ratchet offered his fingers to Silverflame, who grabbed hold of two, one in each of his small hands. He seemed to scrutinize them as he furrowed his brow, sharply focusing his optics on what he had caught.

A light knock at the door interrupted their quiet family moment. Silverflame let go and twisted his head to see where the noise came from.

"What is it?" Ratchet asked, sounding as gruff as possible.

The door slid open partway and the on-shift medic peered in. "You have visitors—"

"Ratchet!" Lightningbolt pushed between the medic's legs and came running into the room and stopped abruptly in the middle. "Hi!" His gaze shifted to Wheeljack. "Hi, Wheeljack!"

The door opened all the way, and Thundercracker quickly entered the room, scooping up Lightningbolt and holding him to his chest. "I told you to wait," he said in a gentle but scolding tone.

Lightningbolt pouted. "I was excited."

"Hm." Thundercracker mock frowned at his sparkling who offered a charming-looking smile in response.

Skywarp walked in and joined his mate's side, giving Lightningbolt a disapproving frown. "I know that look! I _originated_ it. And just 'cause it works on TC doesn't mean it works on me. Next time you listen to what we ask you to do, 'kay?"

Lightningbolt nodded. "Sorry."

Thundercracker squeezed him. "Apology accepted."

All three fliers then turned their attention to Ratchet, Wheeljack, and the sparkling.

"So that's him, huh? He's cute." Skywarp flicked his wings as he stared at the sparkling in Wheeljack's arms. "He even looks kinda like ya Ratchet."

"I wanna play with him. Can we play?" Lightningbolt asked as he energetically kicked his legs in Thundercracker's grip.

"He's too little right now, but when he's bigger I'm sure you can play with him," Wheeljack replied. As soon as the words left his mate's mouth, Ratchet felt a thick wave of Wheeljack's anxiety push over their bond. 'If he's ours…' he silently added.

Ratchet gave his mate a small squeeze at the waist, feeling equally unsettled about everything and wishing the Council would contact them already.

"We were asked to come and relay a message to you, actually," Thundercracker said, his gaze locking with Ratchet's.

"What's that?" Ratchet asked as he canted his head.

"You and Wheeljack have been granted permanent guardianship of Silverflame by the Council of Cybertron. Starscream asked us to stop by and let you know." Thundercracker grinned. "Congratulations."

Ratchet was sure he misheard. "Wait…did you…?"

"He's _ours?_" Wheeljack asked in disbelief.

"Yes." Thundercracker smiled broadly, obviously pleased he got to be one to deliver the news.

"Ratch!" Wheeljack's headfins flashed brightly.

Ratchet glanced down at the sparkling. Silverflame scrunched his nose up, obviously confused by Wheeljack's brightly shining headfins suddenly lighting up.

"Congrats," Skywarp added. "Hey LB, say congrats to them, too."

Lightningtbolt twisted in Thundercracker's grasp and threw his arms into the air. "Congrats!" he yelled.

Not caring that they had onlookers, Ratchet pulled Wheeljack close and kissed the side of his facemask before he pressed their helms together. They both stared down at Silverflame who gazed up at both of them with a look of curiosity on his face.

'We're a whole family, Ratch. I'm so happy I could explode!'

'Well, that would be counterproductive. I need you in one piece to help me raise him.'

Wheeljack shoulder bumped Ratchet playfully. 'Har, har.'

Relief, joy, and excitement pulsed over the bond from each of them. Ratchet was so grateful and amazed at the turn in events. They had been given an extremely rare and special gift of life to care for. It didn't even matter that Silverflame wasn't from their sparks. He would receive all the love they had to give. Ratchet had no illusions that there were going to be rough patches here and there, but he put his trust in the fact that he and Wheeljack had weathered so much together already. They certainly should be able to handle whatever lay ahead when it came to caring for _their_ sparkling.

~Epilogue~

The Earth crew had been busy over the last several orns, building a spacious base to allow everyone stationed there more living space. It had taken several Earth months of negotiations between humans and Prime to finally agree on a suitable building ground, and then Prowl worked hard with Prime to secure the proper permissions from the United States government for allowing them to operate under Cybertronian laws. Once everything was in place, everyone had worked at a fevered pace to get the new Earth station set up.

Optimus Prime had made sure that family-sized suites were in the plans, giving one to Jazz and Mirage and another to Ratchet and Wheeljack. The base had a very large recreation room, which had a special area set up for the sparklings to play in. While there were only Miles and Silverflame living on the base, the other sparklings from Cybertron were frequent visitors, making use of the play area quite often. Prime had mentioned to both Ratchet and Wheeljack that he hoped by creating a sparkling- friendly atmosphere, they would see more of them created as time moved forward.

Starscream and Skyfire's sparkling, Starfire, had onlined only a couple orns after Silverflame had been officially adopted by Ratchet and Wheeljack. Starscream had insisted the sparkling have Skyfire's color scheme. Due to the fact their sparkling had quick-pulsed spark, Wheeljack had built a protoform much like Lightningbolt's which was meant to later be modified for seeker specs. Silverflame wasn't so keen on playing with the older sparklings, since they were boisterous and loud, but he did seem to enjoy spending time with Starfire, despite the fact Starfire often hoarded toys when they were playing. Silverflame liked to give to others, an aspect of his personality that directly mirrored Wheeljack.

Ratchet sat beside Wheeljack on the couch in their family-sized quarters on the new Earth base with Silverflame nestled between them. Their sparkling was already on his second upgrade and growing too fast in Ratchet's opinion. Since he couldn't freeze time, he instead spent as much of his free time as possible with his favorite two mechs. In Silverflame's lap was an oversized datapad Wheeljack had made for him to use as a drawing board. His small fingers wandered the smooth surface of the pad in his grip as he outlined his latest drawing.

"So what are ya drawing now?" Wheeljack asked.

"Starfire." Silverflame pulled his legs up, so the pad was angled in his lap.

Ratchet placed a small kiss to Silverflame's helm, then leaned back to watch the newest piece of artwork come to life on his sparkling's drawing pad. He had been pleasantly surprised by their sparkling's natural inclination towards all things creative, while Wheeljack had been utterly thrilled, doing all he could to encourage the artistic development of their sparkling.

After about a breem, Silverflame leaned back and canted his head at the drawing. "Done."

"Very nice. Looks just him!" Wheeljack squeezed Silverflame against his side.

Ratchet stared at the drawing for a moment. "You gave him wings?"

"Yeah! He wants wings, but he's too little. So I drew them in for him," Silverflame explained.

"That's very throughtful," Wheeljack replied, his headfins flashing a lavender hue.

"Can we send it to him?" Silverflame asked at he gazed up at Wheeljack.

"Sure we can!" Wheeljack tapped the screen, accessing the menus to send the image over their inter-space network.

Ratchet watched the two of them, reveling in the pure joy he felt emitting from Wheeljack over their bond. These moments were ones to savor, to take in and enjoy every astro-second of. Nothing was sweeter or more satisfying than having the family he and Wheeljack dreamt of since bonding.

"Sent!" Wheeljack announced.

Ratchet watched his mate lean close to Silverflame and whisper something to him as he gently took the drawing pad out of their sparkling's grip and set on the small nearby table. Silverflame nodded to whatever Wheeljack had said, and then both looked over at Ratchet.

"What?" Ratchet asked, knowing something was brewing.

Wheeljack grinned. "Now!"

Silverflame giggled as he hopped to his feet on the couch, then tackled Ratchet, forcing him to slide sideways. Wheeljack grabbed Ratchet's one leg and pulled, toppling him over completely so he was lying on the couch with Silverflame over top of him, giggling. Wheeljack then crawled up and wedged himself between the back of the couch and Ratchet.

"We got you!" Silverflame said excitedly.

"You certainly did." Ratchet wrapped his free arm around Silverflame and hugged him. "And I've _got you_."

Silverflame's optics brightened for a moment, then he cheerfully smiled as he rested his chin on Ratchet's chest. Wheeljack curled up against Ratchet's side, resting his head on his shoulder. An affectionate, loving household was something Ratchet had not known growing up, highlighting just how fortunate he knew he was now.

_Savor every moment of this_, Ratchet thought. _Every last second…_

* * *

_AN- This ends this three part story. As I mentioned, I have one more story in the works for this AU for Optimus Prime and Prowl. It might be a little while before I get to posting it but I will! Thanks again for all the reviews, comments, favs, and alerts. 333  
_


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